Whoa. What a month.
And despite the craziness of the last six weeks (started hormone meds, injured my shoulder, husband got Covid which meant a long stint on the couch, business took a hit, thyroid crashed AND summer went away no matter how much I begged it to stay), I was frustrated with myself Saturday. I bet you can tell how it all started.
Yep. I got on the scale.
Even the “knowing” didn’t keep me from doing what I always do when the number sends me into shock: stand in the bathroom and try to review everything I ate and drank for the last hundred years and blame myself for that 330 calorie mousse and the order of fries I had two days prior. And, even though I was closing my rings most days (Apple Watch lovers unite), walking more, getting more protein, taking my vitamins, going to sleep on time and having regular coffee with a little bit of oat milk instead of my beloved lattes, my weight was still climbing.
What was I doing wrong? Blaming myself. The wrong thing was to blame myself. I am not wrong. My body is not broken. I am not defective. I and my body (I am NOT my body) are in a season of change and it will adjust. And if my body decides not to cooperate, well then, I’ll still be Tasha and I’ll still be thankful that I’m Tasha. It’s funny (well not really but…) that I was in the best shape of my life when I was less aware of every single habit I had. Sure I was younger with two functioning ovaries and teaching 8-10 classes a week easily but I didn’t battle the same way mentally as I do now. I did think I was fat and needed intervention at 148 pounds 🤦🏾♀️ but there was something about the way I thought and felt that was different. As my body changes became noticeable (no one has said it to my face with their words lately but their eyes, specifically if they haven’t seen me in a while), I began to notice how I wouldn’t want to leave the house or be seen in public or I’d be walking around in 100 degree weather with a hoodie on to hide myself. I’ve deleted 95% of the pictures people have taken of me saying how “cute” I was because I hated them. Please believe, I AM quick on the delete button but me being cute ain’t up for discussion. :) I just had a hard time going through yet another change, specifically when my life is so public. Working in health and fitness, for sure, didn’t help the mind talk.Saturday was the first time I had felt that way in a while. But I was able to pull myself out of the hole (mostly…well, at least get out the bathroom) by saying these words to myself:
“You are trying your best.”
No one can dispute that because my best is a personal knowing. I’m sure all of us know when we are slacking from our greatness whether we admit it or not. But I know I’m trying. And I know my body doesn’t stop me from working or being effective in my calling. It is still in tact for me to dance, lift weights, get on the floor with my grandson, run up the stairs when I can’t remember if I blew a candle out, walk around Target, do Pilates, teach Pilates, do yoga, teach yoga (again) and carry my laundry to the washing machine (why do I always have so much laundry?).
This knowing is what allows me to show myself some grace. Grace is not pity. Trust me. I know what self pity feels like. This is different. This is me letting go of everything and everybody who helped keep my “perfectionism” structure in tact.
I mean REALLY letting go. I was outside today…in a tank top.
Fall is great for me because both of my kids have fall birthdays.
Fall is hard for me because the darkness outside can increase the darkness inside.
Fall is going to be a life changing season because it’s the fourth quarter and I. will. not. lose.
I will refocus, realign, rethink and re-aim and be grateful to know myself and my body, to be so in touch with it, to have a great team of professionals walking with me on this journey. I am also grateful that I found some place locally who makes amazing dairy free pumpkin spice lattes. That’s why fall is going to be jam.
Photo Courtesy of Aaron Spicer
Be thankful for this part. of your story. Be thankful for each reflection, every road block and all of the internal questioning. Watch it with grace, with soft eyes, with an open heart. You are doing the best you can.