This has been my response way too many times since the beginning of 2023.
Not sadness. Not joy.
I woke up too many days on the indifferent side of life. It was like I had lost all of my feelings and then had all the feelings about it.
When my friend John Garey asked if I wanted to participate in a 100 day challenge, I agreed with a stream of consciousness email that probably took him three hours to read. I was all over the place with things I may have wanted to commit to for 100 days. At the end of the email, I had not committed to anything.
The truth was my only goal was to survive. With everything seemingly spinning around me, I just wanted to be on my feet in 100 days. I've been exhausted because I've just been trying to survive and the idea of adding anything else to the line up besides that was too much. I love S.M.A.R.T. goals. I teach them and coach people to use them. I also understand how people don't use them. When your goal is to just get one foot out of the bed to start the day you can't wait to be over, the organization and process is just one more thing you can't handle.
I thought about yoga every day (I miss my flexibility!). I thought about doing classical Pilates mat (the order in its entirety) every day. I thought about dancing every day. Then I remembered the shoulder surgery that was barely a month ago and the limitations. I thought about the effects it was having on me both physically and mentally.
I then decided to meditate every day.
Photo courtesy of Aaron Spicer Photography
Today is day seven and I haven't done it yet. I've spent the last six days observing why I won't just sit down.
Here's the top seven:
I always seem to think I have time to meditate and then the day gets away from me and then I want to go to bed a lot more than I want to sit and breathe.
It's cold and I work early hours. The idea of doing it first thing in the morning has not trumped me getting those last few minutes of sleep and some coffee before I head off to work.
I am a recovering perfectionist. If I can't do 30 minutes with the right incense and candles and the perfect meditation set up then I have convinced myself that the time isn't right and I'll do it later (see #1).
I will spend more time "looking" for the right guided meditation than doing one.
I am a certified meditation teacher and can guide myself but my mind is way too busy to do myself any good.
I am often afraid of the quiet and my thoughts inside of that quiet.
THE MAIN REASON IS I HAVE NOT MADE MYSELF A PRIORITY AND WILL SPEND ALL OF MY WAKING HOURS SUPPORTING AND CHEERING ON OTHERS AND I AM STILL WORKING ON DOING THE SAME FOR MYSELF.
Even now, I am writing this blog at a coffee shop and I realize I could have done an imperfect meditation session before I left the house but the idea of this dirty chai was more appealing. Some days will be like that. This challenge isn't about perfection. It is about deciding what I want to work towards, what would be benefit "Tasha the individual" and not necessarily "Tasha the brand." It IS about the questions I have had to ask and the answers I've had to give to myself.
This is about me. In the middle of a very PTSD inducing season, this is about me and I am here for myself.
I am not behind. I am right where I am supposed to be. I am aware. I am open. I am ready.
You are not behind, whether you are doing a challenge or just find life itself to be enough of a challenge for you. Ask yourself the hard questions. Show yourself grace as the answers are revealed. Keep trying even if your effort feels like only 5%. One day, it will feel like 8% and that will be your max. One day, effort will be a part of who you are, in your own way, for your own goals.
Today, I will sit. I hope today you will do whatever you need to/can do for yourself.